Playing for Keeps

So this past weekend was the 1 year anniversary of my college graduation. Getting texts from people, seeing related Facebook messages, all the assorted paraphernalia. Needless to say I started thinking initially about how I missed college, but then more so about how the past year has went.

It seems almost surreal thinking its been a year. I vividly remember sitting in that graduation ceremony being terrified. I wasn't excited, I wasn't necessarily nervous, I was just scared. For some reason, the gravity and "accomplishment" aspect of graduating never really hit me. I hate to say I took it for granted, but I guess I always assumed it was given, the next step in a process. So when people were offering congrats, I just kind of shrugged it off and said I would accept it once I got a job. But I was scared because for all intensive purposes, college went EXTREMELY well. I came in a complete blank slate ready to reinvent myself and leave my old high school self behind. And I did. I crafted a social circle I never had before and basically got after it in other aspects of life that I wanted to. But now I was leaving it all behind and worry began creeping into my head about whether or not I would be able to continue this "good streak" outside of the friendly confines of Oxford and Mother Miami. All I knew was that if you stripped away the fear, I was ready to go.

So now here I am, a year later, and honestly, it has flown by. I spent the first 2 months post graduation looking for a job. It was horrible and indescribably frustrating. Here I am ready to move on, put college behind me in a positive way, and Im just spinning my wheels. But since then, Ive gotten a job, moved to Chicago, gotten laid off, went jobless for 2 months, got a job doing exactly what I wanted to do post college, and now here I am 1 year later. In some ways it still hasn't clicked yet. I get up to go to work everyday, and once I wake up, I can't wait to get in there. Even during my internships which were fun and fresh, it was still work and I didn't relish going in daily. Now with this job, I get excited in a way I sure as hell never did for class. That makes leaving college behind that much easier. The other day I was walking in Wrigleyville and I was stopped to talk a picture of some tourists in front of Wrigley Field. I got hit with that "Wow, Im actually living in Chicago, I always thought about this when I was a kid" sort of feeling. I still get that incredulous child-like wonder about random things in life. I don't know when that stops as you get older, but frankly I hope it never does, cause its kind of cool. The whole idea of going to work everyday and "living in the big city" still kind of feels foreign; natural and routine, but foreign.

So in all this change and time flying by, and how everything still feels new, I wonder if I really am any different cause my "college self" would still think this whole post college life in Chicago was pretty crazy and whimsical too. Well for one, I think I am alot more comfortable with myself as a person. I don't mean in a cheesy "I love myself so much!" sort of way, but the fact that you find out different things about yourself pretty quick after college. For one, everything slows down a bit. I mean your life progresses as normal, but unlike in college, everything isn't broken up into 3-4 month chunks where your schedule and social circles are changing constantly. So you can really figure out what you're all about and what you need from others in your life to be most successful. I don't crave monotony or excessive structure, but I love the whole idea that if something is working or going well, it doesn't have to end because its the end of a semester, or summer, or someone is graduating. Everything has a feeling of pseudo stability, that is if you want it to, thus you can really focus on it and make it happen. Or if something is wrong, you address it in a timely fashion otherwise it can persist as long as you let it. You can't be saved by the semester bell. I guess the bottom line is there is an accountability and an empowerment I didn't necessarily feel in college. If I'm not happy with something currently, being it socially, professionally, entertainment wise...I live in the 3rd largest city in the best damn country in the world. Its my own damn fault if I am unhappy. Thats a tough lesson to learn, but once I did and I realized the resources at my disposal, it really made it tough to get bummed out about anything or feel sorry for myself. Those were two qualities I perfect in spells at Miami usually blaming them on a stagnant social scene or the shackles of living in a college town. No excuses now, so now regrets.

I guess the bottom line, as weird as it is to say, I am loving being a "real adult" and am as happy overall as I ever was when I was in college. Yeah bills suck, I stress over money, things don't always go as planned (for the first time in my life I sit awake at night thinking about the future and what I really want for myself and how to do it), but I seem to be able to find silver linings to every storm cloud alot easier than I did in college. I would give anything to do freshman year of college over, but in terms of just going back to college in general? I honestly will take where I am now and how I am doing in a second. And that realization is probably one of the most refreshing and goosebump giving thoughts Ive ever had. The fear is gone and its been replaced by optimism and hope...

Speaking of college, at work today I had a song pop into my head I literally had not heard/listened to since I left Miami. I listened to The Sounds-Night after Night all the time before I went out cause it just seemed to resonate with me. I guess the chorus seemed to speak to my mindset about alot of things and how I wanted to move forward. Then I listened to the piano version when studying cause its chill and just awesome. Its rare for a song to be in two forms, both of which are significantly different, but nonetheless moving. Plus I love her voice, its not perfect and clean, but it works perfectly.

"Night after night, you say you move on. Tomorrow, tomorrow, Now whats holding you back?"

JW