I was never much for popularity contests...

So searching for a job could be the most arduous, stressful, and mind twisting situation ever. It doesn't matter if you are unemployed or not fully satisfied and looking to switch it up, any way you paint it, it is about as much fun as a bag of dicks. I mean, piece by piece, every step of the process is obnoxious. I mean, the part that worries people the most, the interview, is the stage of the game where I am most comfortable and confident.

Actually finding available positions is wrought with pitfalls and epic wastes of time. For example, employers love dressing up awful jobs with clever names and euphemistic descriptions. When I still wanted to be in marketing and advertising, I was really looking for a creative position, or one involved with account due diligence and client contact. So naturally I was drawn to positions with names like "Account Executive". In reality, most companies should rename such a position "Cold-calling sales bitch". Now I understand that alot companies have you start in sales and work your way up to "better" positions, but don't attempt to decieve me as my mind is slowly turning to gelato from sitting on Monster.com all day. So if you are lucky enough to find jobs you actually want to apply for, then the real fun begins.

First of all, resumes. How awesome would it be if there was a standardized format for resumes that people could rely on? Blah blah resumes give you a chance to stand out and differentiate yourself blah blah. Or it is just another way for you to get screwed out of a job or interview you deserve because some anal retentive, gum smacking, HR professional doesn't enjoy your choice of font. Helvetica makes her wet but heaven forbid you dare use Geneva, that would march your resume down to the paper shredder like a fattened calf. Or she may get all bent out of shape because you put your academic information in the wrong portion of the page. Or maybe your work experience is just not sufficient for the position. Bottom line, you never fucking know. Thus, whenever you don't get a response or a denial, you begin tweaking your resume and before long, you have 17 different copies with your name presented in 12 different ways in order to keep all the files separate and uniquely tagged. Resumes...making normal people neurotic since then advent of the typewriter.

Whats the next step? Cover letters. Honestly, I would rather fellate a curling iron than continue to craft unique and special cover letters for each position I apply to. I would wager that 75% of cover letters flow straight into the trash heap completely negating the annoying amount of time painstakingly used with Word's thesaurus assuring your excellent verbal skills come across. And ask any HR or recruiter and they will tell you that you should create a different one for each position because a standard draft will easily be recognized and frowned upon. Well isnt that dandy? This is all secondary to the actual content of the letter which is basically informing the company why you are right for the position. Good luck writing that without sounding pompous, full of yourself, and like a cheesy asshat. Not to mention, all that you mentioned will be restated if and when you are granted the privilege of an interview. So cover letters can take a long walk off the shortest pier they can find.

If you find 10-15 positions you are interested in, you are lucky to get 1-2 interviews. So there is no excuse for not KILLING it. This job climate can bite me.

But when I start to get annoyed, I can at least fall back on my continual source of perspective and amusement, Chicago's homeless. They honestly continue to amazing and astound me on a daily basis. Last week, I saw a homeless dude on an Iphone. Swear to science. And I thought for a second that he might just be a grungy pseudo-hippie until I noticed his telltale cup and ratty sign. I mean, are you kidding me? I can't even afford an Iphone with my full time employement and this dude smells like Gary, IN and he's flipping through his apps. Homelessness...there's an app for that.

The new breed of quasi-homeless I see alot lately are the young-ish people with some sort of sign informing passers-by that they are travelling and ran out of money and can't get home. What the fuck? How does one do that? Were they on a meth tour of the Midwest and smoked their bankroll and now they can't get back to Grand Rapids? I mean, if/when I would be travelling to a large city, cross country, etc, my main concern would be "do I have enough $$ to get home or to my destination." But then again, that is just me and I've never sat in downtown stranger staring down annoyed businessmen for nickels.

Finally, I've noticed alot of assertive homeless lately too. I mean, beyond just asking for change or announcing that ever little bit helps. I'm talking about the guy who picks out individual people passing and tells them he is hungry or homeless.
"Hey man in the pink shirt, could you buy me some lunch?"
"Hey lady with the sweet ass, I'm homeless, got a dollar?"
Its a brazen but admirable attack. I mean, kudos for being proactive and not chilling in some fog. But then it can get annoying, such as the man rocking on his guitar in the subway. As he finished a song, he noticed that a girl nearby was swaying a bit. However, she had some headphones in so clearly she was rocking to her own jam. This didn't deter Subway Springsteen.

"I noticed you grooving to my tune, how about a donation?"

Really? She embarrasingly muttered something about not having any cash. I would have informed him I was actually grooving to the bridge from Lovestoned, but carrying on rocking out without regard for proper tuning or pitch. Then again, this man caused a few women with sensative olfactory systems to nearly seizure with his natural aromas, so he probably wasn't to be reasoned with.

So for the last 2-3 years or so, my favorite "indie" band has been Tegan and Sara. Interesting in make-up, they are identical twin sisters, Canadien, both lesbians, and both badass musicians on a variety of instruments. And they have managed to transition from an alt-folk sort of sound into power-indie goodness. The Con is one of my all time favorite songs, regardless of genre. Their vocals, lead and backing, compliment each other so comfortably and smoothly. Anyways, they just released Sainthood which is incredibly written. It just draws from all their previous work and just takes them to another level. I am still getting through it properly, but I recommend it to anyone that likes music that doesn't suck. Start with The Con; Nineteen; I Know I Know; Call It Off; and Walking with a Ghost. Then stumble upon the amazingness of Sainthood. Happy rocking.

"Calm down, I'm calling you to say. I'm capsized erring on the edge of safe..."

JW