Welcome to Atlanta where the playas play...

So I spent this past weekend in the capital of the Dirty South, Atlanta. And needless to say, it was pretty badass. Now let me preface this by saying that I pretty high expectations coming in. I didn't know what I was expecting nor what I hoped to encounter, but I just had some mentality that it was going to be an interesting/fun/cool/exciting/etc... place. Fortunately, I was not disappointed.

My previous experience with Atlanta was limited to hellacious experiences in the airport (more on that later), a brief visit when I was quite young, and then a random drive through once or twice on the way to Florida. Thus I was quite excited and open minded.

I half expected to leave the airport and be greeted with overflowing pitchers of sweet tea and balmy temperatures, accompanied by hostesses (UT-style) wearing sundresses and welcoming me to the South, all while calling me darling and inviting me to supper. In reality, I stepped out the doors into cloudy skies, temperatures in the upper 40s, and a misting of rain. Not cool Georgia, at this rate you will never be on my mind.

However, my initial destination was the vaunted Georgia Aquarium, so I was beyond the point where anything could disappoint me, as I was a mixture of excited and nervous. Why nervous? If you think I am moderately scared of sea creatures, screw you, you got your facts incorrect. No, I was nervous as I had ridiculously high expectations that I was slightly worried won't be met. I had heard it was of a caliber rivaling the Shedd Aquarium, aka my favorite place in the world, aka I would be willing to have my wedding there but nobody I am affiliated/related to would allow it. But I digress, I explored the GA for a few hours and came away quite impressed. Everything is well done, the exhibits are sleek, well put together, and the sight lines are awesome. Specifically, their 6 million gallon tank. Yes, that is correct 6 MILLION GALLONS, or slightly less than the amount of sweet tea the average Southerner drinks in a given month. It is just epic, and the viewing theater where you can look at the whale sharks...Hold on a second, lets think about this. This aquarium has multiple whale sharks, the largest damn fish in the world growing to 50 ft long, just chilling around. I mean, maybe that makes me a Jacques Cousteau-level nerd, but I think that is all sorts of badass. Anyways, there is this huge movie screen sized pane of view glass in a theater setting that I could sit and watch for, no lie, hours.

Craziest thing for me about the GA was that it is funded wholly by Bernie Marcus, aka that guy who helped found Home Depot. $250 million dollars, and he just wrote a check and said "Go along and make me a badass aquarium." How awesome does that have to be? Screw Roman Abromachov and his 54 yachts, if I ever had fuck you money like that, I totally would be all about funding shit like zoos, or aquariums, or Jurassic Park. However, I would make sure I technically owned it, so if the city ever ticked me off, I would be able to take my quarter billion dollar public masterpiece and go home like a petulant child. Thats a good method to get your way in a large city methinks.

However, despite my joy and impressed-ness with the GA, I still was subjected to my biggest pet peeve, little kids in aquariums or public places of the like. Parents feel since there is nothing breakable like a vase or pictures or something, they can let their little miscreants run free and happily observe how "cute" and "happy" they are. Meanwhile they are climbing up under you to stick their face on the glass, licking the thing like a deranged puppy, probably providing plenty of swine flu for anyone unfortunate enough to come along and touch the glass. Oh, I forgot, every dumbass little kid assumes that fucking Nemo and Dory loved it when they come and smack on the glass like its a stripper's ass. Someone a few years ago had the brilliant and insightful idea of putting the little touch screen computer monitors on which you could scroll through and identify some of the cool fish or get more information. They sadly didnt factor in droves of Satan's little minions poking and punching that thing like its a Ninetendo DS. Its built to take a beating, but then again, so is the iPhone. But if you let little Timmy play that sucker like a tom tom, its gonna break, and thus all these types of video interfaces at the Shedd and GA hardly work. I used to think it was cruel to put those kids in the harness with a leash, now I want to find their creator and give him a damn Medal. My mom used to have one of the wrist stretchy handcuff things for me, probably why I never broke anything nice or fell off a railing and broke my nose like somebody *cough* my sister *cough*. Parents, please handcuff your children until they can behave like they aren't missing chromosomes.

Well, seems like I have gotten off track. That Friday night, I dined at Woodfire Grill, which for all you Top Chef aficionados, is the restaurant of this handsome devil, Kevin Gillespie. He is probably my favorite Top Chef contestant ever, and thus I was giddy with excitement at the prospect of eating there, and possibly meeting the man. I harbored notions that I would enter, inform him what a fan I was and how I supported him from the very beginning, and so honored, he would sit down and probably dine with me. Yeah, that didn't happen, however, upon entering the restaurant, I pass the plating station and saw him in the flesh saucing a plate. I'm sure I got some bizarre looks as I clapped my hands with glee and waved to the back of his head. We also were sat at a table near enough, hell right next to, said station and I was able to creepily watch him all during dinner hoping to send him vibes which would add extra love and care to my plate. I won't describe the meal in detail, but lets just say it should be criminal to prepare pork that well. I will never see a pig as an animal or fun little barnyard creature but rather as a delicious medium for the pork Picasso Kevin Gillespe to paint all over my palatte. Oh sweet lord, that sounded wrong, but whatever, I don't even care, it was delicious. Could it get better? Oh yes, as I was leaving, Kevin had disappeared as the restaurant was winding down. Sadly I walked out, like a kid leaving DisneyWorld without seeing Mickey, when who do I spy standing near the front, the man himself. I shook his hand, told him he is pretty much the best chef to ever cook, and the Voltaggio brothers can go fist themselves, he is Top Chef to me (even though they are pretty cool dudes too). I then ran off into the night, gleefully full, only to almost be hit by a car, as it sits right on a 45 MPH road and people in the rap capital of the South don't stop for silly things like pedestrians or the police.

Which leads me to my next and final point about the wonderous Atlanta. This city is so strangely laid out and thus its nightlife is kind of odd. So Woodfire Grill is on Cheshire Bridge Rd, which sits near Buckhead, commonly known as a hip, upscale, metro area. However, located on Cheshire Bridge road are a couple of nice restaurants...and about 5-6 HUGE mega strip clubs, wha?! Like I am talking about warehouse-sized buildings with more neon than an 80s windbreaker. Included in this group is Club Onyx, also known as the strip joint where Josh Duhamel got his stripper affair on. Onyx is also notable as both of its doorways lie under giant neon oil derricks, seriously. Its ridiculous. This stretch of road is also ultra shady as there are areas where it suddenly gets really dark and the sidewalk turns into gravel and weeds. To call it urban hell would be a compliment. Not an awesome place to wander around, especially when you can't find a damn cab, cause they are endangered in Atlanta I guess. Rapid development is eliminating their natural habitat it seems, also causing them to be hella expensive. I think each one comes with its own ATM.

Buckhead itself is awesomely interesting cause its sort of like an annexed downtown. Its a couple miles north of downtown ATL, but it looks like a mini downtown from the distance. Its all upscale with high class establishments like Chick-Fil-A and the Container Store all around, and fancy cars rolling down Piedmont. So I expected the nightlife to be similarly upscale and trendy. Whoops. Let me describe for you a particular Buckhead bar I patronized called Churchills. You enter to a tiny, dingyly (is that a word? it is now) lit bar with, I kid you not, plaid carpet stained with gum, beer, cigarettes, and lowered inhibitions. The walls covered in pictures of random British shit look like a rejected set from a Guy Ritchie movie, and the bar looks like it was stolen from a backyard deck. Its a peculiar sort of dive, but nonetheless a dive. I momentarily feel self concious as I am still "suited up", if you will, from the wedding. I quickly realize that everyone else is dressed up as well. Slinky cocktail dresses, sweater vests, button downs, etc... It was utterly and entirely bizarre. It was if an SEC frat party had sex with a swanky club and birthed it into the family room from So I Married an Axe Murderer. Weird, but I loved it. Also, smoking is still legal in bars, which is so strange since between Miami and Chicago, I havent been in such a situation in almost 5 years.

I figured this particular bar was an aberration as we headed to our next spot, Pool Hall. Now from the outside, Pool Hall, with its circa 1964 Budweiser sign and rough exterior, looked like a prototypical corner bar from any street corner in a rougher part of a big city. The bouncer is huge wearing a cut off shirt and a ZZ top beard, and as I look in, I see fridges with glass doors displaying the selection of tall boys inside. Oh lord, wearing a suit is going to bring ridicule in this place right? It is even more run down than Churchills, I think there is urine on the floor, and the bathroom looks like it survived Sherman's march through the South. Just as I am about to question our decision, I realize the crowd is EXACTLY the same as Churchills. WTF? And as I enter the backroom, there is an Asian Pauly D on the 1s and 2s, and a full out dance party has erupted...in a crusty pool hall/dive bar. And more sweater vests, flop cuts, and sundresses. What the hell is this place? Now I realize there are plenty of other areas of Atlanta, but this particular cross section was ridiculous and hilariously random, but I was such a fan. The fact that everyone was bitching about how cold is was and my capillaries hadn't frozed solid was also a nice feature. Overall, I give Atlanta distinction I had previously reserved for only Chicago and New York. I would gladly reside there for any portion of time. However, I saw no rappers. Every Escalade, Mercedes, or luxury car that passed I eyed in hopes of seeing Jeezy or T.I. escaped from house arrest, but alas, it was not the case. Just more reason to go back down South. Peace up, A town down.

So recently, it was announced/rumored the Killers are going to go on a hiatus. This is sad to me, cause the Killers have always been one of my favorite underappreciated bands. Not underappreciated by fans or the media, but by me. I liked them early on, saw them before Hot Fuss came out, spun that record to death, but I still periodically find myself forgetting they are a good band. Then I listen to them, and mentally punch myself in the groin for not listening to them more. Well, they just released a live cd, Live from Royal Albert Hall, and it is tremendous. Like seemingly all good bands, when I listened, I stumbled upon a song Id heard but never realized how awesome it was. I Can't Stay is all tropical sounding, and the live version is just as good. I highly recommend it, and if you don't love it and play it on repeat, you probably never liked the Killers to begin with, so there. I also kind of want to be Brandon Flowers, except for the whole Mormon part.

"In the dark, for a while now I can't stay, so far, I can't stay, much longer, Riding my decision home..."

JW

Potpurri

So I made it a New Years resolution to blog more. And it hasn't gotten off to a great start. Mostly because I couldn't think of good topics to riff about. However, so many randomly hilarious and comment-worthy things happened in the last 48 hours that I just said screw it.

I have come to realize that one of my biggest pet peeves is poorly performed air guitar, usually by people who have never played an actual guitar in their entire damn life. Usually its done by old people awkwardly viewing concerts, but it can affect anyone. I saw a dude waiting for the train yesterday that I couldn't tell whether or not he was playing air guitar, air drums, masturbating, or convulsing. Needless to say, I was not amused.

Another pet peeve? Using "we" to talk about professional sports teams, especially when you have no logical connection to the team. People in WI talking about the Packers, I'll let it slide, same for Bears fans in Chicago. But with the sudden reemergence of the Cowboys this year, if I hear one more douche here in Chicago referring to how "We really played well to beat the Eagles" and other douchenoggery of that nature. Its one thing to have chosen them as your favorite team in the mid-90s when they were a powerhouse (which Im sure all these clowns did), but its another to anoite your front-running self as a member of the organization. Fuck yo couch.

So as I was crossing the street today, I had the ominous fake tan hand telling me it was not safe to cross. However, as I looked both ways at this intersection, it was free of traffic as far as the eye could see. So I briskly began crossing the street. Now opposite of me, a smallish Asian woman/girl/young lady also gingerly stepped into the street. And I mean GINGERLY. She looked as if she was about to venture onto a live minefield. Additionally, she started to walk out and began looking back and forth with panic and retreating before moving forward again. She looked like she was pantomiming out a live action, Midwestern version of Frogger. I almost stopped dead in confusion. Mind you her hesitation was as I was in the middle of the damn street, and the road was as empty as The Situation's bed in both directions. I guess that Do Not Walk symbol holds some heavy weight for certain individuals.

My sister just got to London and while initially I was like "oh cool, Im happy for you", I have now gotten full on jealous and sort of bitter. I spent a large portion of my life wanting nothing to do with England. Every picture I saw was some sort of overcast. Pretty scenery as a result looked desolete. There was obviously something in the water that made the people's teeth jagged and crusty, and dentistry was clearly outlawed by in Medieval times, probably cause it interfered with the Prima Nocta in some way. However, as I started to get into British bands and Premier League soccer, I grew more intrigued. And there is something about it that has attracted random ex-pats from all over the world for years. And the history and Harry Potter and Emma Watson, and yeah, I decided I wanted to go. I tried to slyly hitch along on a business trip or two of my Dad's to London, but he was hung up on some nonsense about me "not missing class" and "graduating from college in a timely fashion", whatever the hell that was supposed to me. So to this point, Ive never been to London, not even Heathrow. Well, now my sister is there, taking awesome pictures, seeing Harry Potter landmarks, having tea in rooms previously occupied by rockstars...yeah I'm not thrilled. Oh, and then she casually mentioned how she was drinking at their neighborhood pub and out of the blue fricken William Compton from the Tudors comes up and asks to share their table cause the bar was full? Meanwhile, I've lived in Chicago for two years and Ive managed to see ugly ass Katie from the Road Rules on the Red Line one time...FML.

So the new 30 Seconds to Mars album, This is War, came out about a month ago and I finally got around to listening to it, and wow. Ive always liked Jared Leto, for his musicianship and vision in 30 Seconds to Mars, not because he was on The Facts of Life. He has made a couple of cool movies (Fight Club, Requiem for a Dream, etc...), but he clearly is more into his music and it shows. Their past 2 CDs were good, ok, A Beautiful Lie was great, but this one is even more ambitious. Rife with chanted group vocals from fans and children's choirs, ambitious vocals, and entire songs that sound like they were recorded in the great hall of a castle, this record is badass. Kings and Queens was the first single, but I think This is War is my favorite track. And while I think Kanye is a douchebag of limitless proportions, his contribution and collaboration on Hurricane produces a pretty nice product. Side note, Jared Leto is 38? Are you f-ing kidding me? I went to high school with kids who looked older and more aged then him at age 17.

"To the right, to the left, we will fight to the death, to the ends of the earth, its a brave new world from the last to the first..."

JW