Am I Wrong?

"Well I talk too much to myself
And I turn my back on my faith
It's like glass when we Break
I wish no one in my place

I can't stand I can't see my way
I feel blind On my feet
I can't stay too long
Am I wrong?"

So Ive been pretty much driving myself crazy the last 2 weeks for really no reason what so ever. There is no real rhyme or reason to my angst or frustration, and it all feels pretty much misplaced. I mean, I try to look at it critically, but then it gets even more confusing. And sometimes people can tell, and they ask, "Whats wrong?" And honestly, I don't know what to tell them, cause outwardly I don't know if anything is...

1) Job: I love work. I have absolutely no job security, get paid next to nothing, and there is no guarantee everything is going to work out and I am going to be making it rain in 6 months, a year, whatever. But I still look forward to getting in to the office of everyday and I look at Monday morning with hope and promise instead of dread.

2) Friends: I have a great group of friends that have my pack and prove time and time again why I can count on them and why I am so thankful to have them in my life.

3) Location: Ive wanted to live in Chicago since I was a little kid, and now I am moving into a new place, in a cool new area of the city that will allow me to immerse myself even more into this crazy cool city.

So I mean, I look at 3 of the more important factors in my life and they are all pretty copasetic. For once, I don't have major gripes about the female gender. They still are spell binding and infuriating, but I have a temporary zen and am just letting them, like the rest of life, come at me at whatever pace is decided. But I can't shake this nagging feeling that there is something missing. Like I have the urge to be extraordinary or do something significant besides being a typical employed 23 year old college grad. One blatant factor is monetary. As much as I hate to let it keep coming back, when you work in a job and an industry thats completely centered on money, not having any is a smidge obnoxious. And that in turn makes it a bit hard to be patient. Not saying I need my mansion and my Ferrari right now, but I would love more disgressionary income. You create this faulty mental assumption that being out of college means having the means to do some awesome stuff you couldn't do when you were stretching your summer job money over the next 9 months. So readjusting that idea is a bit grating. I just want to go out and buy shit that Ive had my eye on for months, while instead I'm busy calculating how I am going to get out of the debt I accumulated when I had no income for months. Fuck me.

Maybe thats the problem, to escape the minor annoyances and inconveniences of daily life, I get wistful and expect something earth moving to come along and change the focus of my attention. But thats also tied in with my worry that I am one of those people that gets too bored too easily. I feel like I constantly need to be re-engaged. For example, one of my fears when it comes to relationships is that I get stir crazy. I am not a commitment-phobe persay, but sometimes I wonder if I am, because I like the new, the fresh, the something to watch for around the corner. So some people, when they get into relationships, like to settle in. They get comfortable with the other person and look for that stability. Thats what always shook me. Edges and quirks that initially drew me in get eroded over time, and suddenly the situation has changed and I'm looking at why I am in this in the first place. So Ive tried to pump the brakes a bit on the initial dalliances. I am notorious for falling into infatuation real quick, and then 2 weeks later when the other person has come around, I get the "oh shit I rushed into this" moment. So I need to mature there, and I feel like that could bleed elsewhere in my life. Being more content with the present and fully living in that. I don't know how thats gonna happy, but I'd like to believe I can try. I think thats why work is so fulfilling for me right now. Every day is a complete crap shoot as to whats going to happen, its completely dynamic, its IMPOSSIBLE to get bored. And if you are, you should have never been doing this to begin with.

So i really dont know what to say, I probably just should stop thinking about it so much. Ill have these spells where I am just on autopilot, zoning out cause my mind is going a mile a minute, planning, scheming, thinking, dreaming, etc... and the rest of my faculties are pretty much muted. And people always say when you find it, you'll know it; whether they are talking about the right job, the right relationship, etc... I wonder how that is. And I guess I fear I will be too dense or too preoccupied with stressing about my future to realize when its at my doorstep. So basically I stress about being stressed and worry about worrying about the future. I think I'm a fucking basket case. Reading back over this, it probably makes no real sense and is just the rambling thoughts of someone with an overactive mind. Welcome to my world, take a seat and be patient, we'll get this sorted out eventually...

Luckily, I can still escape into music. That never changes. I have decided the last week to revisit the awesomeness which is the Arctic Monkey's first CD. It never ceases to just jack my mood up a few notches. I still think I Bet That You Look Good on the Dance Floor is one of the best "radio singles" of the last 10 years. That song still blows my mind, its just brilliant. But the intro song, A View From the Afternoon, is what gets me. I bought the CD, put it on in my car, and I honestly replayed that song 3 times before even going any deeper into the CD. There is just something about the changes in tempo, the spring and pep to the chorus, the unsheltered awesome Britishness to the lyrics and melody. I am jealous I am not them, that I am. If your day needs a jolt, these lads will give it to you

"Anticipation has a habit to set you up, for disappointment in evening entertainment but, tonight there'll be some love, tonight there'll be a ruckus yeah..."

JW