So I've been chewing on a few thoughts that have been bothering the heck out of me lately. And the lack of anything going on this week when all last week was a buffet of sensory stimuli and over stimulation has given me plenty of time to think...which can be dangerous.
You ever get the feeling that the way you are handling life is completely unsustainable? Not in a Motley Crue, I am running through way too much blow and hookers, sort of way. More like, in my case, if I keep, mentally and emotionally, handling the relationships and situations in my life in this way...I'm going to lose my damn mind. I clearly need to pump the brakes every once and awhile.
Since high school, I have over thought and over-analyzed EVERYTHING in my life to an absurd level. It started with girls (a problem that haunts me even to this day) and gradually progressed into my perception in the eyes of others. Now everyone says that you shouldn't care what people think about you, and I agree with that, to a certain extent. I don't care what random fools think about me for the most part, but people I care about, or who I've not known long and would like to know better, then a positive rep is kinda of utmost importance to me. So cue me practically losing sleep because I wasn't happy how a certain interaction went and I didn't have a chance to potentially rectify what I felt was a "bad situation", when it may have been fine.
And girls, oh girls, when it turns out I have 3-4 ulcers, I am sending your gender the medical bills. Sure its technically my fault, but if you all were not such wily temptresses, then it wouldn't be an issue right? I wish this situation was like the pathetic high school tales Ive previously told, where I can openly mock my former self based on the rich and varied wisdom I have in my old age. Oh no, I am 4 months from my 24th birthday and I still freak about the fairer sex like I am in 7th grade, complete with squeaky voice and complaining about my problems to my baseball cards.
Example, lets say an early relationship with a particular girl has 25 "interactions". 5 of those are important (dates, long convos, hang outs, etc). The other 20 are texts, short calls, times in passing, etc... So if one of those 20 doesn't go smoothly or I didn't like how it turned out, no big deal, drop in the bucket right? Wrong. In my infinite wisdom and psychosis, those are the ones I stress about and pretty much because of, in my mind, write off any future potential as if I had punched her grandmother in the face. The take away is that I am an idiot. Sometimes people have bad days, no fault of my own, or I just misinterpreted the situation, or any number of logical and probable answers which don't involve the girl suddenly hating me. My recent method for coping with this is to glumly tell myself to get over it and move on, only to suddenly receive some sort positive shortly thereafter, reigniting hope and restarting the vicious cycle. God help me when I am actually in a serious relationship or marriage. I will probably assume my wife is leaving me weekly because I messed up her order at Subway and she was upset for 3 min cause she was going to have to eat a sandwich with no banana peppers.
Now all this nonsense is not a lack of confidence or perceived pathetic-ness on my part. Quite the opposite, its a mild distrust in the female gender. Haha, now that sounds turrible, but bear with me here. On the whole topic of nature vs nurture, I am firmly in the nurture camp. I strongly believe early experiences color your mental state towards future, similar situations. So add 1 part first homecoming date in HS telling her friends I was the worst date ever (I was thrilled to be there and was probably as considerate and nice as possible when you are 16), then a shake of senior prom date using me as a vehicle to get to the dance and ditching me for a jacked black dude, and a sprinkle of my first gf going back to her ex 2-3 times in our courtship and early dating stage, and poof, you have a delicious batch of trepidation on my part. I am past all of that, its over 5 years ago, no big deal, but it still appears like a fine mist in my head, and causes me to doubt not all you lovely ladies, but instead how I have been handling things, cause all those past situations I mentioned were my fault somehow, right?
All right, enough of that. Whats the take away? I've come to the conclusion that a LARGE part of personal happiness and contentment is staying the hell out of your own head. You can always find a problem with a situation, with a relationship, with your life somehow, if you look hard enough. So don't. For example, the final interview I had for the job that I start on Monday. I messed up a single question of about 20. And the other 19 I KILLED. But I automatically assumed I was done because I flubbed that 1 and was not perfect, as opposed to patting myself on the back for performing well and pleasantly going about my day. Girl I am chasing bit cold towards me today? Well its fucking 20 degrees in the Windy City, she is probably cold towards everyone cause its damn cold. You get my point.
Its my delayed New Years resolution to think about random stuff alot less and let me life come to me. I have always outwardly been upbeat and cheery, if only to counter balance the fact that inside I was flipping out, most likely cause some girl had only smiled when I said hi, not said anything. I remember a friend of my junior yr roommates commenting, when I came home pissed off one night, "Whats the matter dude? You are always the happy roommate." Oh the irony...though I am pretty happy, life could be WAY worse. And thats what I and everyone else needs to remember. 95% of the time, if life seems shitty, you are just thinking about it too much. Go do something productive, like build a chair or learn the trumpet.
On the topic of things I should have learned in HS, All Time Low is the band I should have listened to in HS. Except they didn't really come around until my junior year in college, and by then I had a bit more perspective that made me like it a bit more. Anyways, if you like Blink, do you remember the first time you heard them? The utter infectiousness of the music with sort of stupid but semi-meaningful lyrics. Well ATL is Blink 2.0, melodies I daresay are even better and the lyrics are pretty damn well written in that whole HS sort of way. Either way, on topic, the jaded way they lyrically capture that mindset that girls are complete trouble is awesome and oddly appropriate even know. And I am a sucker for killer hooks. Coffee Shop Sountrack and The Party Scene are both brilliant. You can thank me later...
"She said I'll love you forever...or find something better"
JW
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