So, its 4 PM on a Friday, and my weekend has already begun. I love my new work schedule. Getting off at 3-3:15 could be the coolest thing ever. Also, its a pretty good sign when today, during training, I almost started giggling and clapping my hands together with glee...much like a small child about to open a present or waiting patiently in line for a roller coaster. I am still 2 weeks away from full fledged trading on my own, so each day we get a little more revealed to us. But for whatever reason, today we were going over the building of positions and market swings (I won't go any further into detail at the risk of confusing people with crazy trading terminology) but what he was talking about was so cool and sounded so interesting/fun/exciting/etc... that I was beside myself. Yes, I am a huge dork, but whatever, Im excited about not hating my job.
Today was also the first day that we traded live in small doses. I sat down at my terminal and logged in and realized that if I pushed a certain set of keys, even accidentally, money was going be changing hands instantaneously. It was kind of an adrenaline rush, but also terrifying. I don't get shaky, but my hands definitely felt a little unsteady. It was like when you are in HS and are about to ask a girl you REALLY like to Prom or Homecoming. You are wired and really nervous, but yet pretty excited, but its all amplified by the thought that this could really go wrong in an instant. I guess thats what keeps traders sharp. It also felt like the first time I ever performed at an Open Mic. I wasn't afraid of being up there and I was so stoked to be playing, yet my hands felt like when you get shocked. That constant feeling of electricity flowing through your peripherals. It gets manageable, but its still there every time, but now it feels awesome. So if trading every day feels like performing, then I think I've made an awesome choice.
Random observations:
-Why can't people smile or even return a look that is not complete digust/scorn/revulsion when you make eye contact passing them on the street? It just pisses me off that when you make direct eye contact with someone, you can't just nod or smile or make some acknowledgement that your life doesnt completely suck. I mean, everyone has bad days, but I feel like 80% of the people I pass, male or female, give me a look like I told them to go fist themselves whenever I give a brief smile or hello. I mean, I say hi to every homeless person down in the Loop cause at least they say something back. I just pretend its "Hey, hope you have a great day."
-My mentor at work is going to be a father on Monday, his wife is being induced at 3 AM. He is 3 years older than me. To me that is just crazy. I love kids and I look forward to having them someday, but it just seems so far away. Life moves so fucking fast in your 20s it seems like. Not the actual passage of time per se, but more the fact that most people, in a decade, go from being stupid debaucherous college kids to having careers, being married, and perhaps even producing little offspring. Thats nuts. I mean, you always think of your parents as older and "adult", but I mean, my Mom was barely 24 when I was born...I turn 24 in 3 and a half months, ahhh. And I mean, I remember being 6-7 and waking up each morning to find the high scores on my video games beaten. By whom? My dad of course. He was in his early 30s at that point, which makes complete sense now. So thats scary to think about how soon it could be, but kind of cool, because being a cool hip younger parent is always something I think you strive for. Idk, just talking to hear my own voice here.
-On that note, my dad turned 50 on Wed. Kind of crazy to think about. But it made me think about how proud I am of my own father and how I hope to possess half of the stones he does about some things at that age. Is my father a perfect man? No, my mom and I both will tell you there are times we want to push him down a hill, but his selflessness and work ethic are just absurd. I will fully admit that some of the gifts and talents I have been blessed with have been wasted and ignored in the past, but when Ive found out that my dad was in large part the same way when he was younger. Needless to say, it makes me confident and determined for the future. Especially cause he didnt have those similar experiences from my Grandpa to reflect on and use to better himself. For all my faults and my father's as well, he has been my biggest supporter and my harshest critic, for my own good. I am a complete mixture of my parents. My dad's analytical and critical thinking skills, and business sense. And my mom's remarkable social fluidity and ability to read, understand, and interact with people. His left brained nature and my mom's right brained nature are perfectly mixed in me it seems. Some kids go to certain parents cause they know how to manipulate them. I go to my mom when I have social issues (girls, friends, mental spastic-ness) and my dad whenever I have questions on business, life, and living up to my own ridiculous expectations. Sometimes I just really need to slap myself and realize how good I have it. So when you get a chance, tell your parents thank you and that you love them. I don't exaggerate in the least when I say that I want to be like my parents when I grow up.
So on the heels of that heady and philosophical commentary, we need music equally as so. Thrice-Stare at the Sun. This song is gorgeous, rocks your face off, and has a brilliant and intelligent lyrical focus. Perfect right? Artist in the Ambulance is my absolute favorite Thrice song, but I feel like Stare at the Sun is the perfect "starter" Thrice song. They have some intense material, but its a bit more accessible but still intense and incredible. The first 30 seconds are sublime and would definitely be my entrance music for anything I ever did requiring it, such as taking the stage for something. Also, the lyrics about their lead singer's search for his spiritual identity and finding the complete meaning in his faith, which for me is a completely relateable topic. Being a very spiritual and fairly religious person but still seeking and questioning cause I want to know more and make it feel all the more tangible. Its awesome to have a fav band of mine addressing the same thing. This band has went from being a bunch of pop-punk skater kids from CA, to the CD "Artist in the Ambulance" which is just beyond description, and their more recent stuff is very atmospheric, orchestral, and experimental. Just remarkable.
So the moral of the story, listen to some Thrice, smile at some people on the street, and call your parents. Have a great weekend.
"Know that there's a point I missed, shrine or stone I haven't kissed, a scar thats never graced my wrist, a mirror that hasn't met my fist but I can't help, feeling like Im due for a miracle..."
JW
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