Cruise Casual= Just don't come naked...

So as many of you know, I recently went on a cruise, returning just yesterday. I just wanted to take a minute to address how surreal this floating "resorts" are and how unique of an experience it is. If you have been on a cruise, you will know what I am talking about. If you haven't, oh sweet lord you need to.

This was my second cruise, and my first on Carnival. My first cruise was a SB cruise with a huge group college kids from Miami that was basically filled with drunkeness, tomfoolery, and assorted debauchery. Now this second cruise, as it left the first week in March presented a bit more representative cross section of the cruise population. It was just late enough that there were some college students on SB, but early enough that the meat of the SB crowd hadn't yet gotten in their vacation weeks.

I break down the people on cruises, specifically our particular journey, in 5 groups.

First are College Students/20 Somethings. Much like myself and my cruise companions, this demographic is looking to drink heavily, get rowdy, relax, and generally act like college students again (or still are.) They generally ignore the stupid ass bingo sessions and dance shows in favor of drinking their smuggled liquor in their rooms and being loud in the casino. Some are quite fun, some should be treated like old horses, aka shot and turned into glue.


Then you have Couples. Maybe they are on their honeymoon, maybe just on a vacation, but either way, usually keep to themselves a bit as well. They either don't have children or are trying to relax cause they left the kids at Grandma's. You can spy them holding hands while laying out, awkwardly grinding at the dance club, or taking turns rubbing each other's shoulders and back while the other gambles. Some are rowdy and are looking to meet other couples to be rowdy with (not sexually you dirty clowns) and these groups can easily be identified by their loud behavior and attempts at looking like they've known each other forever.

Next are Families. These have all shapes and forms, included the types listed below. Their main objectives are bonding and wholesome entertainment. They largely keep to themselves, except when Mom and Dad drop off little Timmy and Samantha at the kids lounge so they can go drink margaritas, gamble, and possible shag on their balcony. Largely non-invasive, they only are an issue if they are at your dinner table or somehow inhibiting your day drinking.

Foreigners. Every cruise seems to have tons of these. Either Europeans or South Americans it seems with a sprinkling of Asian or Australians as well. Our cruise happened to have a preposterous amount of French Canadiens. It was absurd. I have never seen more people wearing Montreal Canadiens gear and speaking French in my entire life. There must have been some deal for people paying with bags of loonies. Foreigners can be problematic due to their love of skimpy beach/swimwear and lack of hygienic attention. I saw way more men in skin tight bathing suits and speedos than I ever care to ever again. I saw a large man who appeared, from the front, to be completely nude as his speedo was so small and his gut so prodigious, that the overlap pretty much hit his dental floss swimwear from view. Its no wonder I had a fleeting appetite and upset stomach many times on that boat. There were also a good amount that smelled worse than anyone you could ever care to encounter on the CTA. They were clearly too busy enjoying the bathrobes in their closet and the same 3 damn movies on loop on the TV to notice their was a damn shower in their bathroom.

Finally, my personal favorite group, Hillbillies. These make up a HUGE percentage of cruise-goers. Why? Think about it from their perspective..."You mean for $500 I can whatever I want and as much as I want? And wear my sleeveless Dale Earnhart Jr. t shirt to dinner? With my jean shorts?!?! Hot Damn!" These colorful folk really make any sight-seeing on any destinations worthless cause what can be better than seeing an assortment of Nascar, Country Music concert tour, and alcohol product t-shirts...all custom tailored to be sleeveless. Its flipping incredible. These are also the disgusting cretins you see displacing 75% of the hot tub water as they plunge one of their cankles in. This after they swung by the buffet and got their third plate of bacon and sausage. If you time it right, you can take all the time you want at the salad bar cause these folks aren't trying to waste their time with lettuce or veggies. But the ranch is probably gone cause they were using it as ice cream toppings or to thicken up the gravy ocean on their plates.

Honorable mention are old people. There are clearly tons of them as well covering all the categories above except the first clearly. They are usually just thrilled to be on the boat though some are a nuisance cause they hate young whippersnappers like yours truly and you can't get seats for any show you may actually want to see cause they have been their since their early dinner seating ended at 4:30. Best clearly are the old men. They are usually either hilarious or exceedingly creepy. Actually, Im a guy, so they are just hilarious. The looks on cute girl's faces as the old man next to them in the hot tub slyly rubs his leg on theirs or "accidentally" tries to grope them, is priceless.

So final verdict. Cruises are awesome because you get to eat a ton, drink a ton, not clean up after yourself, have nice weather, and people watch on all sorts of strange folk who end up making you feel better about yourself. Awesome.

There is no song of the day as my mp3 turned on in my bag on the way down and I had 1 hour of battery life for the whole cruise...FML.

JW