Just a stirring in my soul...

As I was riding the train home from work today, a group of about 10-12 High Schoolers got on with their chaperones during what I assume was some sort of school trip. Either way, they were being extraordinarily obnoxious, trying to get rises out of other passengers, making comments on everything, basically being HS age kids. Meanwhile, I was reviewing notes from some of the trading activity I had done earlier and from the training class we had...all while resisting every urge to jump kick the attention-loving cock socket making a fool of himself in front of me.

"I wonder if other people think I am loud and annoying? Maybe I should ask..hahahaha"

Wow, if I was that completely worthless at that age (though I know I was not all decked out in Aeropostale like this clown), my parents should get a medal for not having me euthanized. Anyways, it didn't make me feel old or mature, but rather caused me to kind of chew on the thought of how much I have "grown" in the last 5-6 years.

I remember listening to "Why Georgia" in HS and thinking the line about a "quarter life crisis" was an attempt at cutesy clever lyrics. Now as I approach the age it was referring to, upon further review, I have to say I get where John Mayer was coming from. The whole premise is not as seemingly depressing as a mid-life crisis where one is unhappy with the direction of their life at that point and takes drastic measures to feel young again and gets a toupee or something of that nature, I really don't know. Moreso its kind of a midterm evaluation of your brief life as an "adult" thus far. Yeah, you grow alot and learn alot of things at college, but I think the 6-18 months immediately after you graduate is where suddenly 75% of that stuff just sticks.

I mean, I completely and utterly evolved as a person the minute I stepped onto Miami's campus. A family friend had told me that the best thing about college was the ability to reinvent yourself if you wanted. And frankly, I wanted it more than anything in the world. I hated HS for the most part and really was emotionally and mentally unsatisfied and unfufilled. So I came to college and was just ready to unfold my wings and become who I thought I should be. Freshman year I guess I did a bit too much, cause I got horrendous grades and had to spend 1st semester of Soph year at home. But when I came back in the Spring, I think thats when the transformation really took root and began. I remember being called cocky by a girl that first semester back and being floored. And it wasn't a criticism, but more a commentary on percieved confidence and the way I carried myself. I remember the strange feeling I got hearing that, but also how cathartic it was. I had always been outgoing, but for whatever number of stupid reasons, in HS I just never found my place. So this new "swagger", this new comfort in myself that was now becoming apparent to other people, it really was the start of who I am now. The rest of college was experiementing and testing myself and my personality and really trying to see what was me and what was me trying to be something else.

Now that I am in the "real world" and supposedly an adult, its really become interesting to try and evaluate the dynamic of my own personality and how I interact with others. There are some things that I am completely comfortable with that put other people off in a major way. And that doesn't mean I should censor myself, but rather realize that I am mature enough and perceptive enough to realize that I am not 15 anymore and the world is not for my own personal amusement. Thats been a big lesson for me to try to teach myself and one that is ever progressing and continuing, cause I certainly am not a picture of social perfection. Also, its been interesting to try and rid myself of bad habits, emotional drains, and general negativity tied to things in my past. One of my favorite psychological tenants is that of "grounding". There are various different names for it, but its basic idea that similar to a smell or sound reminding you of a certain person or place, there are emotions and thought processes we have that are intricately tied to people or events or whatnot in our past. For example, why do people always find it so hard to get over their "first love", even if this person turned out to be a horrible human being and subsequently treated them like garbage? Not becuase they are just their first love or random sentimental-ness, but because that strange and unique feeling/human emotion is tied to a better, more euphoric time in their relationship, and thus that overrides any lesser feelings as a result of later disputes, sadness, etc... While it can be a great thing because it can really strengthen bonds or convictions, it can often be a crutch because you let these grounded feelings and emotions control you or become an obnoxious burden, I know from first hand. So completing these rambling thoughts, I need to let somethings go and move forward, because I am pretty content with who I am right now at 23, so who gives a fuck what minor inconveniences (in the big picture) occurred in the past and still bother me. The best thing about life is that it goes on...

The other part of this whole quarter life crisis is the new relationships and experiences that seem so foreign and a little scary, but are really some of the cooler things in life. The main one for me is starting to get to know my parents as people, and not just as my parents. Like I text my Dad at least every other day with something, and not in a "I need something" or help me with this kind of way, but rather because Ive begun to understand him more, and our relationship has evolved into a friendship as well. Same way with my mom. I was the kid in grade school and through HS that never talked about anything social with his parents. I didn't talk about who I had a crush on or whatnot, because frankly I was embarrassed. Now I go to my Mom for relationship advice. A female perspective I can wholly and completely trust? What I wouldn't have given for that in HS...oh wait, yeah Im an idiot. Its happened with 2 of my Uncles as well in various situations. While its kind of startling to not look at them as the mighty elders and superhuman way we look at parents and relatives when we are kids, the humanizing aspect of it all is so cool and it makes navigating some of the little annoyances and struggles in life that much easier.

This "crisis", to me, is all about figuring out exactly who you are right now and realizing that you have a limitless life ahead of you, so you can really tweak and re-adjust most anything right now to put you in a position and situations you really want to be in for the future. So I mean, thats not depressing at all...stressful? Um yeah, I make myself damn near sick over it, but necessary and ultimately beneficial? Damn straight. Ill look back and thank myself in 2 years...at least I hope.

So I don't know how Ive went this long through all these musical recommendations without mentioning my favorite band in the world, Brand New. I started listening to them in HS when they were just a straight up, no holds barred, pop-punk band. Then as Ive grown, they have too, developing into this artistic powerhouse just creating the most emotionally charged and inspiring music Ive ever heard. I still listen to them EVERY single day and I wore out my copy of their second CD, Deja Entendu. I didn't even know you could do that, but somehow I did. That CD to me is perfect, like I could not possibly imagine any changes I would make to it. Lyrically, they are just sublime. Jesse Lacey is one of my favorite lyricists and Im pretty sure half of my favorite lyrics are something he has written. I could honestly gush about this band for an entire blog, and it would not be an enjoyable read cause it would be the blabbings of a giddy fanboy, cause I honestly believe they are that impressive. The Quiet Things That Noone Ever Knows is what I believe to be their quintessential song. Just brilliant and epic and gorgeous, and everything nice. This performance of it on Kimmel is still one of my favorite musical performances of all time. My favorite favorite fav song of theirs is I Will Play My Game Beneath the Spinlight. I don't know what it is, but this song moved me like no other. Its still a part of random stuff I do. My apartment my Junior year was called Spinglight Hall, and a short lived record label I created in college was..you guessed it, Spinlight Records. If I started a hedge fund today, easily would name it Spinlight Capital. I guess thats the cool and crazy thing about music, and to me Brand New, sometimes it just gets to you in ways you can't describe, and all you can offer up as explanation is the cool meanings it has to you and hope others can find their own in similar fashion...

"Won't see home till Spring, oh I would kill for the Atlantic, but I am paid to make girls panic while I sing..."

JW